Something I don't often share about myself (though people close to me tend to find out/know) is that I suffer from anxiety. I don't really like to say that I suffer from it. I'd like to think I have a manageable case of stress that I've chosen to take on in my life. But on nights like tonight, where I am having a hard time writing an email to a friend due to anxiety, when I've been keeping myself busy so that I don't get overwhelmed by my life, it's fair to say I'm suffering.
I don't say this so that you'll pity me, or even because I'm trying to be transparent in ministry. I say it because maybe I'm not the only one that feels like they are under-qualified. Like they're hiding, hoping no one will find them crying in their office in the middle of a Tuesday. Trying to hold it together. Hoping people won't find out your worst fears about yourself and your work. Barely keeping up a good face. For the sake of the ministry. What about doing something for the sake of your own wellbeing? Maybe that's what this is.
So there it is: I'm supposed to feel at peace about my call. But I don't.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
So what does that mean? Right now, I can't honestly say that I know. But I think that believing we have to be at peace 100% of the time about a call, or some life purpose that God has made us for is dangerous. Because you might not always feel that way. And then what? Suddenly, in a flash of self-doubt God has removed your purpose and call? Doubtful. So, if you feel like you are not at peace, I'm there with you. And I say this as much to myself as to anyone else: Hold on, hold out for what God is doing. Even if I don't believe in myself right now, I believe in Him. And He's worth it.